Lem’s Love Advice


Hi all,

Welcome to the special February edition of the Argo advice column! As you may remember, we answered reader-submitted questions once upon a time (i.e. last year). Fortunately, we were able to bring in a (not certified) love expert to celebrate Valentine’s Day by answering some of your burning questions about romance (and travel and grades). Enjoy!

– Nadine & Julianna (Editors-in-Chief)



“Hey Lem! Over quarantine, I met this guy who I think might be my SOULMATE. We share the same zodiac sign, favorite number, interests and music taste. And although I’ve made multiple failed attempts to get him to like me back, I refuse to give up on this obvious chemistry we share. How do I get this guy to like me back without telling him to like me back? Thanks x” – Promiscuousgirl113


Hey PG,

If you have obvious chemistry with this guy, then surely you must also have the same favorite element on the periodic table. Just kidding, that’s fake science, unlike astrology (This joke was made by Nadine, my boss. She’s also incidentally the Captain of the Science Team).

I feel like I should tell you about the psychology of love or something, but I re-read your question and realized it would be futile.

The problem here is that YOU AREN’T COMPATIBLE WITH PEOPLE WHO SHARE YOUR ZODIAC SIGN. Matching zodiac signs conflict with each other. Any self-respecting astrologist could tell you that. No matter how many times you attempt to get him to like you back, you’re doomed by fate. Sorry. But if you hope to valiantly defy your cruel destiny, you can always follow in the footsteps of Welsh hero Lleu Llaw Gyffes by spontaneously transforming into an eagle and being reborn.

Ok, this comes off as super pessimistic. But in all honesty, the most obvious answer is that maybe you’re not as compatible as you might have thought. And it’s not because you’re “not good enough,” it’s because they can’t fully appreciate how good you really are. Even if you were to “get this guy to like you back,” you’d probably still be doing all the work in the relationship. It’s not worth it to be this fixated on one specific person who doesn’t seem to appreciate you when there are, as they say, “many fish in the sea.” If they don’t like you, they don’t deserve you.

But I agree there may be chemistry here. You both clearly are interested in similar things, and you, at least, see potential here. I don’t know what these “attempts” are, but it seems like you’ve been dropping hints rather than being straightforward with your feelings. And guys are TERRIBLE at picking up on that kind of thing. If you like him, just tell him that you like him. Anything short and they may miss it. Guys can be pretty dense sometimes.

If all else fails, Nadine suggests that you get a full natal chart compatibility reading.





Hi Ms. Girl,

It’s not enough to obsessively listen to his playlists. You have to go ahead and shoot him a non-threatening correspondence informing him that you’re listening to them. Otherwise, how will he know? Other things to include:

  • A catalog of the places and people they’ve interacted with for the past week
  • Listed names in chronological order of their childhood pets and how they inevitably met their untimely demise
  • Their tax returns
  • A picture of your favorite stuffed animal, to show them how cute it is!

Unfortunately, listening to their Spotify and hoping your brainwaves transmit to him is not a viable way to convince him of your irresistible charms. It’s only when they know you’re interested that they’ll like you back. That’s also the only way you’ll develop a substantive relationship where you can get to know each other (not to say that music is not a good basis for a relationship – immaculate vibes are very romantic). And the only way to do that is to interact with them in a way that shows them how much you clearly care.



“i have a terrible gaydar and i can never tell if girls just want to be girl friends or girlfriends 🙁 i like someone right now but i’m scared she’s going to be weirded out if i say so” – Bisexual in Black


Hello BIB!

I’m not bi, so I may not be qualified to fully answer this question. But I do also like people from time to time.

In 1935, some musty old dude named Schrodinger did a thought experiment that would undoubtedly have PETA setting up angry demonstrations in Animal Crossing if it were to happen today. You place a cat in a box with radioactive material and a monitor with a 50 percent chance of detecting it. As long as you don’t look in the box, according to the laws of quantum physics, the cat is alive and dead at the same time. It’s only when you open the box that the possibilities resolve. Point is, modern scientific regulations on cruel and inhumane experiments are killing all the fun.

Think about yourself as the scientist and the cat is your relationship.

Wait actually, that sounds really dumb.

Whatever, I’ll dig this hole a little deeper.

There are literally only two possibilities here:

  1. The cat (your relationship) lives, and a huge scientific breakthrough happens. Congrats! They like you back — and no cats had to die in the process.


  1. The cat (your relationship) is poisoned.

Let’s look at option 2 here, because it’s where this whole analogy falls apart.

Just because they don’t like you back doesn’t mean that anything dies. While it is possible that it could make things a tad awkward, it’s more likely that, as friends, you’ll be able to fall back on whatever brought you together in the first place.

But the radioactive frustration of not knowing seems to be killing you, more than any hypothetical poison might.

Ok yeah, this is a really roundabout way to say “dude just ask them out.”

And then you say, “But I’m scared she’s going to be weirded out if I say so.”

You’re not alone — this is a major concern for a lot of people. The solution, and the most important aspect of any relationship, is to make the person feel comfortable saying no. Make sure they know that nothing changes if they turn you down and that you are willing to take no for an answer. As long as they feel comfortable making the decision that they truly want, you can count on them to at least continue being your friend. And if a single question can tear a friendship apart, how strong was that friendship to begin with?

You’ve got a modern thought experiment on your hands. I’ll have to keep an eye on my cat around you though.



“How do I survive Term 3 and get those 6 juicy A+’s?” – anonymous


Hello Mysterious Stranger,

I like to think about grades like how I play Papa’s Hotdoggeria — you start off trying to please everyone and get that sweet 97+ percent, only to realize that 100 percent isn’t possible because freaking Roy never likes how you place the tomatoes on his hotdog since they’re always slightly tilted. And then you realize: who even puts tomatoes on their hotdogs? Why do they always have to be positioned at a 180-degree angle just for you to get enough tips to survive on more than minimum wage? I guess the point is that there will always be little things that you can’t help about classes, because just like how you’re not a bot that can get perfect scores on everything and please everyone grading you, you don’t always have the steel nerves to keep your mouse still enough to evenly spread ketchup on every hotdog without dripping a little bit on the drink. There will always be times when you mess up, but that doesn’t mean that you’re screwed if you get two out of three tickets on a weekday and can’t access all the extra content after the day ends. There’s nothing wrong with trying your best and still aiming high, but make sure to appreciate the people who enter your life and practice self-care. Everyone knows that the real reason why people play Papa’s games is for the character outfit customization segment, anyways.

The socio-economic implications of Papa’s Hotdoggeria aside (Rest in Peace Adobe Flash), you’re talking to someone who has never earned a single A+. Ever.

So basically, just do the exact opposite of what I do and you’re good. Budget time wisely and don’t fulfill obligations (read: the Argo advice columns) the day before they’re supposed to get done. Reward yourself for finishing assignments by taking short breaks, but don’t play bootleg Flash games during them, or you might never get back to work ever again.

At the end of the day, however, remember that A+’s aren’t everything, especially if they sacrifice time with friends and family or mental well-being. Good grades are important for sure, but making straight A’s your end goal in life is pointless. Even if you don’t make straight A+’s, if you’ve tried your best, that’s a reason to be happy in and of itself.



“How can I not be single for the rest of my life?” – anonymous


Steal the scroll of seals and become double through the Shadow Clone Jutsu. Naruto does it all the time.



“Lem, do you think that a trip to the Maldives is worth it?” – anonymous


Hi anonymous,

Uhhh, probably not right now, the Center for Disease Control has designated the Maldives a Level 4 (very high) COVID threat. In addition, the U.S. government warns that terrorist threats in the Maldives have increased due to instability generated by COVID… this isn’t to scare you or anything, Maldives is usually a lovely and really safe travel destination but yeah, not right now pls.

With that being said,

Whether or not a travel destination is worth it or not depends largely on your own budget and preferences, so while I think the Maldives is a lovely tourist destination, I can’t make that judgment from your perspective. What I can do, however, is give you a bit of background.

Our first major concern is cost. The cost of a trip to the Maldives is on the higher end: the average for a one week trip can be as low as 420 (haha funny number) dollars. But more likely, you’ll be paying a few thousand if you want the full experience. Of course, these prices can vary depending on several factors. The first is time. The cheapest time to visit the Maldives is between May and October, the tourism off-season. But if you want the signature warm tropical climate the Maldives is known for, you can spend a bit more and go between December and April. The second factor is whether or not you’re being frugal with your spending. The Maldives are known for their luxury resorts, which can run you 1000 dollars a night or more, and their cheaper guest houses, which will only be a fraction of that cost. Food and transportation are generally cheap. The average tourist expense for these per day in the Maldives is around 60 dollars. Once again, however, if you’re staying in a luxury resort or a high-end area, these prices go up.

Another concern is the environment. The Maldives is hot and tropical year-round. If you’re looking for warm tropical vibes, the Maldives is a perfect fit, especially during the dry season (November to April). The Maldives are a cluster of small islands that aren’t conducive to adventurers (people who want to stay on the move to different tourist attractions). If you’re more of a relaxer, however, the Maldives is a good choice.

When choosing travel locations, it’s always important to understand their social aspect. The Maldives is made up of thousands of islands, some of which are man-made, and some of which are uninhabited. Climate change has caused some of these islands to start disappearing and has also caused a lack of drinking water (most drinking water is just recycled and remineralized). The local population of the Maldives is pretty much 100 percent Muslim. This has several implications: no pork, no tobacco, no alcohol (except for in designated resort areas). Bathing suits and revealing clothing are generally frowned upon, and public displays of affection are illegal (no kissing :\). If you visit during Ramadan, the month of fasting may affect the opening hours of local stores. Be sure to bring a lot of cash, especially U.S. dollars, as sometimes you can get lower prices by paying in American currency and there are limited ATM machines on the islands. In terms of festivals, the Maldives has several. Events such as the Whale Shark Festival in August and the Kuda Eid Festival in October show vibrant glimpses into Maldivian culture and religion. Such festivals should not be treated as simple photo opportunities — they are connected to the soul of the Maldives and should be respected as such.

The last concern is sand. There’s sand.

The Maldives offer unique experiences, with their bioluminescent beaches and snorkeling right next to a huge variety of marine wildlife. Whether or not it’s worth the price tag? That’s up to you to decide. Oh — and don’t go during the COVID pandemic. Thank you for submitting to the love advice column and hope this helps!