None of the BLS guys meet my standards but I am kind of getting bored of being single and watching happy couples make me want to puke, like how did everyone pair up? Do I lower my standards because I feel like experiencing a relationship is useful practically speaking or do I just continue to give couples a withering glare when I see them together? Also how do I tell guys to back off like I have done everything to tell them I am not interested but I think they still think they have a chance? I want to be nice but simps get on my nerves – Epic Gaslighter

Epic Gaslighter,

We’re going to answer your questions, assuming that they are real…

Let’s address the puking issue first. We did some research for you, and Amazon does sell airplane vomit bags. So, before you finish reading this, we advise that you stock up on those.

Just because none of the BLS guys meet your standards doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever. Even though this may be surprising, there are also guys outside of BLS. Still, we don’t recommend lowering your standards. As for death glares, those might just make you seem jealous.

To fill the obvious void in your heart, you could get some gifts for yourself! We hear that Valentine’s Day chocolates are in stores, and you could even buy some carnations from the Argo and send them to yourself.

For shooing away the simps, we recommend barking. Aggressively. For extra emphasis, you can also add in a sort of dog-like gait. If you want to get them to stop texting you, we have a great recommendation: text them “SMS: SERVICE ERROR 305: Message delivery failed. Further messages will be charged to your account,” and then immediately block them. It really is a great plan, and hopefully, your simps will stay away.

I have this issue. There was a tragic death in my family at one point in my life and it kind of led me to be a little overprotective. This caused my son to run away from me because I was so overbearing. Now I’m stuck with this idiotic other person and I can’t even find my son and I almost got eaten by sharks. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do you have any advice??? – notaclown

Howdy notaclown,

We are so sorry for your loss (or losses) and the terrible news about your son.

We recommend that you remember the address “P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney” if you do not want to rely on your companion for directions. On the plus side, you didn’t get eaten by sharks, and it must have been because they were friendly.

Being the prophetic people we are, we think that your son may be stuck in a fish tank. But not to worry, power through the struggles. Although you might have to swim through a sea of jellyfish, we know you’ll find a guide as wise as a turtle. We’re sure you’ll find your son. About leaving the idiotic person you’re stuck with, we’re not so sure on that part.

Everyone is telling me that I’m not allowed to dab down the hallways between classes but like gabriella from high school musical I just gotta go my own way. What do you think I should do? Do I bet on it or stick to the status quo? – sickballerdabbercoolkid100

What’s up our bruh, sickballerdabbercoolkid100,

Well, for you, it’s “Now or Never.” So don’t let the naysayers ruin your dabalicious vibe. We’re sure that you’re the coolest person in your grade, and the others are just jealous of your swagginess. We think it’s time for you to start “Breaking Free” from others’ advice and instead take ours.

Be cautious of where your elbows are, especially in the sixie hallways. We wouldn’t want you taking out someone’s eye. But, if someone tells you to stop, simply “Walk Away.”

“We’re All In This Together,” so we support your dabbing. But since we do not want to take away from your sick street cred, we’ll refrain from dabbing in the hallways.

On behalf of my Class IVB (2025) and Class VI (2027) beautiful people, what are some of the best strategies to manage the lifestyle of BLS without over-stressing about everything at once? – Kasaan Kirby, Class II

Hello Kasaan Kirby (II),

What an excellent question! As seniors at BLS, we are most qualified to answer. In truth, BLS is stressful; there is no way around it. But with our helpful tips, you’ll be one step closer to managing it!

First of all, we recommend keeping track of things you need to do, including extracurriculars, homework and anything in between. This way, you’ll always know where you have to be and when to eliminate extra stress.

Next, you should realize that BLS is really only four or six years of your life, which may seem like a lot now, but it will be minuscule years from now. With this in mind, make the most out of your high school experience. Go ice skating after school, try to figure out how to work Google Maps or just walk around downtown.

Soon you’ll realize that a single missed homework or failed pop quiz doesn’t mean your entire life is ruined, even though it may seem that way in the moment. So, find a balance between fun and school, and remember that life goes on after BLS.