The LOML has been in a relationship since my freshman year, and I’m a senior now. How do I move on??? -Anonymous

Hi there Anon,

Well, this certainly evoked our sympathy, but we have total faith that you can and will move on! Let’s face it, it’s been four years at least, so this person has most likely changed. This means that you could still be holding onto the image of their younger self. Besides, it must feel pretty rough to have been waiting for that long.

Anyways, all of that is to say, move on already! Stop waiting for someone who is taken; meet someone new, or experience the single life to the fullest.

You could, of course, replace this infatuation with another. Possibly with someone who’s far from obtainable like a celebrity. That way, the love of your life won’t have the chance to shatter your heart. 

How do I not fail physics 1 -Anonymous

Hola Anon,

That’s actually such a coincidence, Kelsey has the same question! Physics is no easy class, and this problem may not have an easy solution. For our current unit on energy, however, you can use fun mnemonic devices. For instance:

Eccentric = Elastic

Platypi = Potential

Eggs = Energy

Grandma = Gravitational

Prepares = Potential

Enchiladas = Energy

Well, we guess our mnemonic devices aren’t that helpful, but did you know that according to the creators of Phineas and Ferb, platypi are “semi-aquatic egg-laying mammals,” and the only egg-laying mammals, in fact?!? Very fascinating.

In all seriousness, studying physics is challenging. Since it’s understanding-based, this eliminates any chance of last-minute cramming. You will have to practice a lot and ask questions, but this only makes it more rewarding once you understand it.

While we are most definitely qualified to answer your question, we recommend consulting your physics teacher during class or office hours, you know… just in case. Good luck!

Why is it that sometimes I feel that my friends aren’t my friends? -Anonymous

Cheerio Anonymous,

We are very sorry to hear this. If you are still feeling that your friends aren’t really your friends, then it is time for the best and most obvious solution: blasting the ten-minute version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well,” and then learning to move on and find people whose friendship you will never question. While it may seem difficult, we assure you that those people are just waiting for you to find them, and you may meet them in the most unexpected places. You deserve so much more than friends you feel out of place with, and we wish you all the best. 🙂

How to deal with a really bad TikTok addiction? -Anonymous

*Debby Ryan smirk*, Anon,

Wow, you all share a lot of similar issues with Kelsey. She hasn’t found a way to resolve this one yet. The best and easiest solution would be to delete TikTok, but we know that this is easier said than done. Realistically, most people would do nothing about the issue, but it’s good that you’re seeking advice!

Let’s first make a point clear: what does TikTok really have to offer? A pug that wakes up with or without bones? Salmon rice bowls? Jake Gyllenhaal shade? Well, now that we think about it, those are pretty interesting, but that’s beside the point. From a practical standpoint, TikTok videos offer a sliver of the amount of substance that, say, an enticing Khan Academy video offers.

Hours and hours on TikTok make you realize how repetitive it is. At least for Kelsey, her For You Page is an endless vacuum of the same audios. Instead of listening to “Yeet yeet, skrt skrt, yeet skrt, skrt skrt” or seeing comments like “Bruno went from catching a grenade to throwing it straight at you,” you could be watching a movie with a more interesting plot.

Now that you realize your precious time should be spent doing something much more important, decide on what you want to do. Maybe go out and try some bussin’ food recommendations… that you probably got from TikTok… or just use the time to catch up on sleep. Last resort, go to Paris! Someone could ask you, “Are you happy to be in Paris?” TikTok would have prepared you well to say “Oui.”

TikTok also offers a lot of joy, though. So we say that you should try to limit your viewing time, but if TikTok makes you happy, scroll with self-control.

What’s the best way to prevent homework procrastination? -Anonymous

 Hi A,

Ah, the age-old question… Yet once again, here we are, answering your very important question on the day of our deadline. (Don’t tell our editors please. We would like to keep our jobs… )

Anyway, while we may not have completely mastered our time management skills, we like to think we have come pretty close. This brings us to our first strategy: rewards. We recommend incentivizing yourself to finish a homework assignment to make the time go quicker. This could be with a short break off, a wheel of cheese, or even a ten-minute break on TikTok (but be careful, this could turn into an addiction, see above for a solution!). Hopefully, if you reward yourself for your hard work, you’ll be inspired to keep moving.

If not, try to make your work enjoyable. We recommend sipping some tea or listening to music — Red (Taylor’s Version) is calling your name! But be warned, you could end up crying instead of doing your work. If this is the case, eliminate any and all distractions.

Clearly, any solution involving homework procrastination has not worked at this point, because if you are still reading this, it is time to put down this Argo issue and get to work. We believe in you!

There’s a boy in my grade who likes me. I’m not interested in him, but he continues to act strangely whenever he’s around me to the point where it’s weird. What should I do without being rude? 

-Anonymous

Hey Anon,

Well, there are two ways we interpreted your question. The first is that he may just be a little awkward at the moment. If this is the case, he is likely just embarrassed and will hopefully return to normal soon.

The other interpretation (which we hope isn’t the case) is that this kid has creepily overstepped your boundaries multiple times, which is never okay and warrants a response. However, we understand that it can be difficult to approach someone. If you find that you still can’t bring yourself to say something to him, then we recommend dressing up as a pathogen to get him to stay away — surely he’ll understand the message. If not, however, you could add in some subtle stay-away hand gestures. If this is the case, we feel your pain. Know that he is handling this far less than maturely than you, and if this continues, know that you are completely valid for being “rude” in return.

I’m trying to participate more in my classes but I’m so scared of talking. I feel like I have some good ideas but I don’t ever want to raise my hand and actually share them. Do you have any ideas for what I should do? – Helpmepls

Hi Helpmepls,

We’re sorry that you’re having this issue! But don’t worry, it’s definitely pretty common, especially when you go to a school with so many other bright minds. It’s easy to feel intimidated by how others will react to your ideas, but know that your classmates aren’t there to judge you. Especially if you have ideas for questions that others might not know how to respond to.

It’s good that you feel you have some good ideas, that’s much better than the confusion that many of us face in class. To collect the confidence needed to share your ideas, you could…

1. Channel your inner Lady Gaga meat dress confidence.
2. Realize that at the moment it may seem like a big deal, but in reality, it is so short that you won’t even be able to embarrass yourself.
3. Slowly build up your comfortability to share in class by answering simple questions first.

Really, we recommend any of these methods, but we particularly like the Lady Gaga suggestion (have you seen the new House of Gucci film?).

Also, realize that classes such as English are mostly driven by student perspectives. Therefore, any perspective, even if you ended up relating the Grinch to Shakespeare, would add to the conversation and other students’ learning. Once you get used to regularly sharing in class, it’ll be as easy as snoozing your alarm in the morning–a new natural instinct, really. Best of luck with your efforts!