hi kelsey and maggie, why are we learning latin? – Anonymous

Salvē Anonymous,

Good question, we’re wondering the same thing, yet somehow we both are either taking or planning on taking AP Latin. If you were to ask most students at Boston Latin School, you’d probably get a shoulder shrug. There are several clear reasons, however, why Latin is a must.

How would you ever be able to read signs, plaques and markers that are written in Latin without your Latin knowledge?

Latin is also great for when you have those off days and kinda feel like cursing someone, because, well with Latin, you can! And all those spells in The Vampire Diaries or Harry Potter? LATIN!

Obviously, learning Latin gives you all the privileges to buy the “I Know Latin” merch. Save up some money and get a nice lanyard, a bumper sticker and maybe even a snazzy blanket. We’re sure that all your friends will be jealous of your swagalicious Latin swag.

There are those super bland “beneficial” reasons too, such as to improve your grammar, become more worldly and, uh, maybe vocabulary, but we think BLS probably teaches Latin because of the previous reasons.

And of course, if you never learned Latin, how would you know this great piece of advice: “Semper ubi sub ubi!”

So, I am a sixie and I have no idea how to make new friends. Wellness is a hard period to talk to other kids during, and during lunch it is hard to hear other people unless you are yelling. – Friendship Failure

Hi FF,

We’re sorry to hear that you are having trouble making friends, but the good news is, you’re not alone! There are around 400 other students in your grade; 50-ish percent or more are probably in the same situation. While neither of us are in hybrid, we have both been in a similar conundrum before. We can only imagine the awkwardness of the Wellness period and the difficulties of hearing (and talking) at lunch. We miss the good old days when lunch was a place of packed tables and random cucumber slices (yes, even on the ceiling).

So, now for some advice:

We suggest befriending a stranger at school, preferably one who shares your homeroom. If you can, come to homeroom early, and you might be able to get in some conversation before classes start. We also recommend (if you take public transportation) to find other BLS students that take the same route. Chances are, there will be plenty of other sixies that you recognize as well as plenty of extra time (since the MBTA is amazing) to become acquainted with someone. Or if you’re late and end up in the tardy line, you’ll at least get to meet a ton of other people.

After step one of this arduous journey, if you see someone you recognize, don’t be shy and make some finger guns *powpow*!! They’ll be just as happy to have other human interaction as you are.

Hope this helps! (For more advice, see last month’s issue).

I like someone who is VERY good-looking and has a long and pretty public history of past relationships. He knows who I am but not much beyond that because I haven’t had a real conversation with him. How do I approach him and not be nervous about how good-looking he is and not feel compared to his past gfs because they are very pretty and outgoing whereas I’m shy – Anonymous

Hi Anon,

Question number one: How good-looking is he? We’re going to assume good-looking, so in that case, we understand why you’re flustered. We think the best approach is to close your eyes while talking to him, eliminating any and all distractions. You might, however, run into a couple of walls. You’ll probably want to make some sort of eye contact eventually though…

Therefore, the second-best option is to fake it until you make it, which you’re probably an expert at if you’re surviving BLS right now. Besides, who’s to say that you’re not the very good-looking one?

Most importantly, don’t think too little of yourself and give yourself some credit! If you’re still a little nervous about approaching him — even after the blindfold idea — find an opportunity to make a simple conversation.

Here are some conversation starters to get you going:

Do you like cheese? Why yes, I do, my favorite’s gouda!

So, do you come to BLS often?

Does this look infected?

Ya like jazz?

Did you see that giant rat around the corner?

We hope that this can help! We’re sure that you’ll have no issue breaking the ice!

How do I read more because I want to be smart but I have no time to read because of school? – reader

Hello there, reader,

Simple. Drop out of school. Endless time. JK hahahahaha… unless…

But really, we wouldn’t recommend the dropping out of school thing. Additionally, if you do drop out, you won’t get to know the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.

We suggest reading through osmosis. If you do not know what that is, then we suggest that you read your biology textbook before you read a book for fun. Another similar solution would be listening to audiobooks while you sleep. Why waste those seven (probably closer to six) hours of the day? You may or may not retain something. Guess you’ll have to try to know for sure.

Now, if you were actually hoping to read a book on paper, set a goal for yourself. Try to read one book every month or two, and pick a book you are interested in. If you need any book recommendations, ask Maggie, she reads sometimes.

K & M,

It’s scary out there. In the infinity of space and time, I sometimes find myself wondering about my purpose in all this. Is life itself just an improbable accident doomed to end just as randomly someday far in the future? And if so, will the universe just continue being a big, empty, cold void for the rest of time with nothing there to look at it? What’s the meaning of my existence? Why am I here? Should I just forget about all this and worry about my math homework? Hoping you can find the meaning of it all for me! -Existentially distressed

Existentially distressed,

We too constantly think about our purposes in life. Space is big, empty and cold. At the end of the day, we’re all specks of dust floating on a bigger speck of dust. Why are you here? Why are any of us here? To be honest, you’re kind of stressing us out. You’re asking a really deep question, and it being a Sunday night, we don’t know if we have the mental capacity to handle this. Of course, we are totally qualified… we just aren’t sure we can solve the reason for human existence in a night. But that doesn’t mean we won’t try!

Let’s get one thing straight. The universe is not only a big, empty, cold void — not as long as The Bee Movie exists. So there’s obviously at least one thing to look at. But if it does get a little too chilly, we recommend a sherpa or weighted blanket — we hear those are nice.

If you’re worried about the world’s end affecting your legacy, have no fear. According to our research, the world ended for the dinosaurs, but they still left a huge impact on today’s society (we also both think that dinosaurs had hair).

Honestly, by the time we’re all old and wrinkly, they’ll probably have a way to freeze our bodies and then revive them later on, so don’t worry. Better yet, you might just be the one to invent the science needed. Do it soon, though. If that’s your calling, we think you should probably get to your math homework. We wouldn’t want you doing a miscalculation and turning someone into a pile of goo.

If you are still searching for your purpose after reading out advice, we recommend watching Horton Hears a Who. There’s also the 50 percent chance that we’re living in a simulation, so who’s to say that this isn’t a dream, and we aren’t just figments of your imagination…

What should I do so my hamsters live long happy lives? -Hampter

Hampter,

Hamsters are simple creatures. They’re small, furry, hungry, and did we mention small and unfortunately short-lived? Never fear: in hamster years, their lives will feel like an eternity. Take our advice, and we’ll have your hamsters looking like this for the rest of their lives.

Petslady.com

Firstly, never anger your hamsters. Make them feel like equals, not pets. This means weekly dinners together, monthly spa days and even jogs, which can be done on your own respective versions of treadmills.

Second, hamsters are part of the rodent family, aka your hamsters might know Remy from Ratatouille. Following Remy’s example, cook gourmet meals for your buddies, or have them cook you an omelet. We hear that soup is also very popular.

Last but not least, strike power poses in front of the mirror EVERY morning with your hamsters. A confident hamster is a happy hamster. We trust that if you follow these three pieces of advice, your hamsters will be living their best lives in no time at all.

hi kelsey & maggie! I want a cute classic love story or whatever but everything is done over apps like snap now. I’ve been super reluctant to talk to/add people because I really don’t want to meet someone over snap. Is it unrealistic to want to meet someone in real life, especially because of the pandemic? Are my expectations too high? should I put my snap in my ig bio? thank u!! -Anonymous

Hey Anon,

Well, considering that there is this whole pandemic happening, it may be a little more difficult to meet people. DON’T, however, settle just to meet anyone; it’s like buying cheese. You wouldn’t want to buy moldy cheese just because it’s on sale, now would you? What we’re trying to say is, people are like cheese; don’t lower your expectations. 

We don’t think that Snapchat is the place to create a cute classic love story. If you want to truly live that hopeless romantic lifestyle, try perusing a bookstore mysteriously or walking around your neighborhood to find your own partner next door. Long story short, you should have the love story you deserve. Best of luck!

P.S. Do not add your Snapchat username onto your Instagram bio. People are weird, like cheese.